Bret "The Hitman Hart" versus "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels: Clash of the Tight-ans Part 1

 First up, these are the stipulations for the bout: 1. I do a post about Bret Hart. Show some videos, pictures, rant a bit. 2. I do the same thing with Shawn Michaels in a second post. 3. I give a maybe not so brief summation of their rivalry in a third post 4. I dish out the ratings in the final post... PS: I really hope you don't torture yourselves by watching the first video all the way through-it just repeats.

So, without further ado, making his way to the...posts? from Calgary, Alberta, Canada, weighing in at 234 pounds, he is



Bret "The Hitman" Hart

Basic Info:
Full name: Bret Hart
Residence: Some place in Canada
Age: 53
Nicknames: "The Excellence of Execution," "The Pink and Black Attack." "The Best There Is, The Best There Was, And The Best There Ever Will Be," "The Hitman"
Finishers: The Sharpshooter and The Spike Piledriver...he also did a bunch of roll ups, bridges, and sunset flips to win matches.
Years Active in WWF: 1984-1997
Attire: pink and black with a leather jacket and cool aviator glasses
Sex life: He got married and had kids and things stayed that way during his career prime. So, it was probably pretty boring.

Now for the rundown:
Hart first got televised attention during the mid-80's when he teamed with his real life brother-in-law Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart. They were managed by "Mouth From the South" Jimmy Hart who was infamous for being loud and obnoxious using a megaphone to taunt opposing teams during their matches. Well, they kicked the mustachioed, hillbilly midget to the curb and became good guys. This is where the "Pink and Black Attack" thing came into play. As good and bad guys they won several tag team championships throughout the late 80's and early 90's. And by 91, when they finally split, Hart was on his way to solo success.

Hart won his first championship against Mr. Perfect in 91. He would later lose it to a guy managed by the redneck, circus freak. Hick with the sunglasses douses Hart in water and "Mountie" (had to do some research for that one) electrified him with a cattle prod. What the fuck type of referee let's someone get away with that? I thought this was real.

 


Not knowing much about the guy Mountie on the left, his name still somehow seems befitting. He really does look like the type of guy that would try to mount a dude from behind in the prison showers.

Anyway, Bret gets his belt back. Loses it again to the British Bull Dog who David Beckham definitely attempted to look like...too bad he never got the roid prescription. And after leaving his brother-in-law with the sloppy seconds belt, he goes on to beat Ric Flair in a World Champ Match. He would go on to beat the likes of Mr. Perfect, Ric Flair, Diesel, and Razor Ramone on multiple occasions. Eventually, Hart loses the belt to the sumo--Yokozuna--because some guy in a lingerie robe throws dust in his face. And then he gets his belt back again. Then, he starts a rivalry with his brother Owen.

Note: Owen Hart died on a pully, rope type device to get down to the ring from the ceiling. It was kind of like a cable escalator going down. Well, the cable broke and his chest caved upon impact with a turnbuckle. Owen Hart was a tight dude too. May he rest in peace.

Hart lost to his brother by a fluke at Wrestlemania. But he won the belt back later that night to the sumo. Some mean words were exchanged and this led to the brothers fighting in a cage.

Exhibit A:

"And that's how I kicked your leg out of your leg." Believe it or not, Owen Hart went to school to be an Orthopedist before dropping out to become a pro wrestler.

Exhibit B:


And what have we learned children? The Hitman doesn't play nice with family members that have blond mullets. Shit. If I had a direct family member that fashioned their hair into a mullet, I'd probably leave them hanging from a cage too. I'd save myself the embarrassment of sharing genetics with an American Gladiator in pink for at least a FEW minutes. I'll have you all know that before Owen died, he shortened his hair and cut down on the pink. At least he looked moderately presentable before falling...

Anyway, this senior citizen starts interfering in Bret's matches. He's probably dead from natural causes by now. This guy is like Pre-Hulkamania old. His name is Bob Backlund. They have a throw in the towel submission match. Bret's brother Owen has a towel and Davey Boy Smith their brother in law has a towel. If Davey throws the towel Bret loses, if Owen throws the towel Bob loses. Well, Davey Boy gets knocked out. Bret's getting choked. They hand the towel to the most biased person in the area--their mother--in Davey's stead and of course she throws it as soon as she thinks her baby's about to get hurt.

I thought this was called PROFESSIONAL wrestling. What's professional about having a 60 year old woman decide if her son is able to compete in a match? Of course, if he even gets so much as a scratch she's going to fly the white flag. This is probably the most untight move ever made by a mom on television. But Bret gets his belt back in another submission match without any judges.

And this is how he did it!


People's elbow < People's sit on you and contort your legs and spine.

If you ever want to wake someone up effectively and want to do it in a tight way, this method is Tom Tightmaster approved.

Hart would later go on to beat this dufus:

 I guess s&m was popular in the wwf at one point. I could've sworn I saw this dude at the broken castle once. Thank god he beat that guy. If Bret Hart lost to that dude I probably would've lost all respect. He would have lost tightness..in more areas than one, if you know what I'm getting at.

Anyway, then his rivalry started with Shawn Michaels. I won't get to that until post 3.

I will however talk about his bouts with Stone Cold and the "anti-america" hart foundation.

Everyone knows who Stone Cold Steve Austin is. Not everyone knows that Bret Hart kicked the shit out of him and made him pass out. Anyone that can pretty much destroy a roided up, drunk redneck, whose named after the city he's from, is a master of tightness in my book. Not only are you wiping out the uneducated, you're also wiping out the average idiot's hero.

Bret Hart: 5,000,000  Stone Cold: divide my collective GPA by 10 and you might have an accurate answer.

  Yes! This is a real mug shot. Stone Cold got arrested for domestic violence in 2002. Domestic abuse already sets you at negative points on the tight chain. Anyone that kicks the shit out of you and makes you bleed automatically gets tight points x20 for avenging your ludicrous crimes. Note: Even though Bret Hart kind of sat on Stone Cold when he did the sharp shooter, they were never sexual or in any sort of loving relationship.

And finally, The Anti-American Hart Foundation.



Bret gets +50,000 tight points for writing the blue prints that would later become parts of Obama's speeches. So, not only do we learn that he can kick a redneck ass, he can also outwit every blind patriot in the country. Props to Bret. Many people believed he was being honest. Not only did he do a great acting job, but he also made a killing off of everyone in this country that paid to get tickets for entry into an arena just so they could interrupt his speeches with USA chants.

Come to think of it, I'll add on another 50,000 tight points for making money in the best possible way: getting rich off of the people that hate you, all the while continuing to talk mad shit to them.

Well, that's about it for Bret Hart. You'll hear more from him in the final part of this trilogy.

And now, making his way to the ring...